It has been four weeks today that I lost my sister, my best friend, my hero. I never really knew that I could hurt so much. I have been dealing with a lot more break downs then I was at first. It seems that it's getting harder as the days go on. I find myself at times putting on a fake smile or telling someone that I'm okay when really I'm not. I have to wonder will I ever feel the same way that I used to feel? But I have to do, I have two little girls that look up to me. I find myself thinking a lot about how it was so easy to be little and have no worries. I look at my little ones and hope that they will have the relationship that I do with my sister's and did with Alison. I know that I will never forget the day that Ali left us to be with our maker. I play that day and the days that lead up to it all over and over in my head. I still have not wore the clothes that I had wore that day. I saw Tom for the first time on Sunday. I had a lot of mixed emotion's all at one time. It was great, hard, sad, and I was happy all at one time. Don't get me wrong Tom I want to see you and be with you it's just HARD. And I have to wonder is it the same for you too? We have a lot going on in these next few months to keep me busy and my mind in better thoughts. But I also know that these next few months were some of Ali's favorite months. Nothing is easy about living life without her. When I wake in the morning's, I'm not even awake for 5 to 10 minute's and I think of her. I'm so thankful that I have two other sister's that I'm so close with. And can't wait to be able to spend these next few months with them.
I have to share something that happened. Thursday night I took the girls to the park and we had dinner there. As we were eating Alyssa was very into watching the birds fly around and play. And she said the most amazing thing to me. "Mommy I wish that I had wings so that I could fly up and see Auntie Ali." I held back the tears and said "Alyssa I'm sure that Auntie Ali feels the same way too."