Thursday, July 23, 2009

But it still HURTS

I've been thinking a lot about this quote " With time things do get better". I always thought that was easier said then done..... but it's TRUE. But it still HURTS.
The emotion's that I was having and going through last year are nothing like that now. Don't get me wrong I miss Ali more then words can describe. But I also know that she is where nothing really matters, EXCEPT that she is WELL and HAPPY. I still have moments where I'm selfish and NEED her and WANT her here with me. But I think no matter what we all have a little bit of selfishness in us when it comes to wanting a loved one back.
I can still remember like it was yesterday getting chills in Ali's hospital room and looking over and knowing that she has past at that moment. Getting up walking over to her and knowing that she wasn't breathing. I was the one that said "She's not breathing".
For the first 3 months every morning when I'd wake up my first thought was "My sister is no longer here". It was hard to start your day off like that. But once I got over that HATE and being MAD that she was gone I didn't have that thought. And I'm not even really for sure who I had HATE towards or who I was MAD at? I was HAPPY that she wasn't in pain anymore, but the selfishness still wanted her HERE.
I love you Ali, and no matter what I will NEVER forget you and the person that you were. You made life sweet, and totally worth living. Because of you my life has forever been change.


Kimberly said...

Time is different for everyone. It might get easier but it will never get better. The pain will never go away fully. You are perminently changed. When Ali left your heart had a forever hole in it.

What Ali had to endure was horrible. The pain it has caused all of you is horrible. But through the pain there have been some sweetness still. I see Ali and hear her in you. I am sure you have glimmers of her as well.

I hope and pray for your continued healing. I hope and pray that one day you will be at peace. One day.....this will all make sense. That will be the day we see her face again. For now though, you have your babies and a wonderful leagacy of a beautiful sister to share with them. What a blessing.


Debra said...

She certainly was special. I never met her, but I think of her often.

~Blessings to you and your family~