First Day of Preschool

Things went well for Alyssa's first day. It was a shorter day then normal. The parents had orientation while there kids got to know the other kids and teacher's. Alyssa will go to school twice a week on Tuesday and Thursdays from 9: 00 am to 11:15 am. I can't wait and she is also very exited. They go on field trips once a month, her first school pictures, they have fall and winter parties, snakes everyday, and more. There also is another little girl in her class named Alyssa. Alyssa's teacher is Kayla (Haab's) mom I went school with Kayla which is nice because I

already knew Maureen some.

Donated Blood

I went had donated blood yesterday. Something that I used to do every 8 weeks, but I haven't in a long time. There were a few people donating platelets. I for one have never done it, it takes 2 hours. They take your blood and separate the platelets and then put your red blood cells back in you. I made another appointment to go back in 8 weeks to donate blood again and then after that I will start donating platelets. You can donate platelets every 3 days 26 times a year. Chad's mom took the girls and spent the evening with while and went and got this done. So my drive home I was alone and it was very quite. I lost it, I broke down something that I hadn't done since Friday. Before it turn into a panic attack I called Heather and she help clam me down. I miss Ali more then I can explain, more then I ever imagine I would. I also didn't try to think about it a lot until those last 17 days. I knew that I needed to prepare myself for the worst. I also tried to positive for her but I did have my break downs in front of her and she was okay with it. There's a lot now that I wish I would of told her but I knew that couldn't. I didn't want her to think that I wasn't thinking positive anymore. I just hope that she knows that she was and still is important to me.
Alyssa has been asking a lot of questions about Ali still. She made her a picture yesterday and ask for an envelope and a stamp. I asked her why she said so she could mail it to Ali in Heaven. She then said how will she get it will she come down and get it. I told her no they have mail man and mail lady angels up there. She then said mommy when can I go to Heaven I said when God says it's your turn. She left it at that, I was called that she didn't ask when it would be her turn because I was about to break down through all that she was asking.
Chastity talks to Ali and blows her kisses up to the sky. She still calls Paisley Auntie Ali and Tom Thumb kitty. She also has learned to do a little meow and it sounds just like a kitty.
Chad has been my stone, my heart, and my strength through all of this. He has help with anything that I need, he's been there and done it. This has made our relationship strong, and has made us look at everything in life different.
I have been feeling better every since Saturday, I had a really good talk with Chad Friday night and explain to him that I needed help from stopping myself from keeping distance from him and the girls. I also have made appointment to start Therapy again, I haven't been in almost two months. Life has to go, it has to go back to normal but what is normal these days? Will it ever be normal or the same ever again?

Sum of the weekend and Monday

Chastity and Micah swimming. Chastity and Landen on the tube.

Chad playiong corn. hole Alyssa swimming and Katy and I.

Friday was just a day of hanging out and getting Alyssa ready for preschool. She can spell her whole name now. She was having problem with the "N" in RENE she would call it "M". But I taught her a little trick that if you turn a "M" upside down and draw a line across the top then it will make a triangle. We also had our weekly trip to Wal-Mart,I talk about that in my last blog. Saturday was family day and no TV all day. We spent the day out on the lake, going on boat rides, and swimming at the sandbar. Later in the evening Laramie (Chad's niece) came down and spent the night.

Sunday we spent the whole day at the lake with Katy and family. We played corn hole, laid out, swimming, and cooking out. It was really hot out but there's only so many days left before we have to be inside for months. I hope this winter wont be so cold so we can do family things outside. We also went and got Chad's other niece Olivia and she stay the night with Laramie.

Monday we all got up at 7:00am to get the girls ready to take them to Goshen for school. Alyssa woke at 6:30am so no big deal for her but we had to wake Chastity up. Got the girls to school on time and then we went and saw my Mom for awhile. Came home and took the recycling, trash, and things to the goodwill box. I made the girls get rid of some of there stuff animals, they had so many. Alyssa was fine with it, she knows that it will go to some other boy or girl that could use them. Chastity didn't really seem to care as long as her babies got to stay.

Feedback ....Please

Ali and Kimberly had talked about many times the idea of a bracelet for Neuroendocrine Cancer Research. What frustrated her was that there are all these colors flying around for different kinds of cancers and diseases but nothing specific for her type of cancer. She had to pick the general color that represented all the other types of cancer. Kimberly has done some research and she found a company to make some custom silicone wrist bands as a memorial for Ali and also a fundraiser to continue on with what she had started. It's so crazy that I had this talk with Kimberly the other day because I had always had this thought that we should have some kind of bracelet for Alison (when we first found out) but never got any made. I will be working along with Kimberly and hopefully many other people to get this ball rolling. So what do we need from you? Well, Alison said that she likes blue. Well more like a teal-blue. So we are going to include some colors and we want you to vote on which color we should go with. We are limited to 25 characters so I also need like some suggestions as to what words/letters/characters to put on the bracelets. Post a phrase, bible verse, something Alison would like or that we all can remember her by. Remember 25 characters! We will then do a poll. So please send us your feedback. Also, let us know if you are interested in buying one. We have also talk about selling them at some store in S.C. and also at some stores here in IN. I'm not really for sure where at yet here but if any of you know anyone that would like to help with this cause please let me know too. We will probably set this up via PayPal and ship it out via USPS. So please post a comment and help us out. Please click on the following link http://24hourwristbands.com/pages/wristbands-stock-colors.php and look at the Light Blue wristband and the Teal wristband. After you are done please participate in the poll.

I also have to add the phase from the day

Alyssa was asking me for a cookie. I was in the middle of making my list for things to get at Wal-Mart and ask her to wait until I was done. She then answer me with "Mom give me a cookie or I'm going to call the police on you" It just put the biggest smile on my face. It's so funny how these little girls come up with these funny things.

Then on our way home from Wal-Mart, I only had Chastity with me. I turn around to see Chastity with her arms out of her straps to her car seat and she is leaning over and unbuckling the seat bleat. I couldn't believe it so then I pick up my phone to call Chad to tell him what she did and she started yelling "no phone don't call Daddy". I was glad that we were on the road that we live on and not on 15 when this happened.

Thank you GOD for giving me these two little girls because it's easier to live on.

October 2007

This is some of Alison, Katy, and I favorite pictures. We had a bond fire after Alyssa's 3rd birthday party. I think that she looks so happy and not in pain. I'm so glad that they made the trip home from S.C. for the girls birthday parties.

Pic's of Alison

This is something that I put together. It's tons of pic's of Alison. If you click on it then it will make it bigger. I have been trying to get all my pictures together of Alison and put in one folder. It's taken awhile but I have it almost done. I know there's more out there, if you have any and would like to send then please email me. Renem2103@gmail.com.

Hard Day

Yesterday we had uncle Larry's viewing. When we arrived people were standing outside and there was a line to the road. If we would of had to stand in line the wait would of been an hour and forty minutes. The total people in attends for the viewing was 1500 people. He was a very important man, father, grandpa, and uncle. When I walk into the church the smell of all the flowers and plants brought back all the thoughts that I had the day I had to walk in to the funeral home for ALISON'S viewing. It's a smell that I don't think will ever go away.
Today was the funeral uncle Larry and family are Catholic so the funeral was a little different then what Chad and I have been too. I knew that today was going to be hard. My heart still hasn't gotten over ALISON. I did well until some of the grandchildren got up and spoke. They recited poems and told old stories. And then once they took the casket out, knowing that his family all felt the same way I did that day that this is (was for me) the last time they would see him. I know that once you go to Heaven that it's not the end. But in my heart it feels that it is the end, the end for ALISON and I. It has been two weeks today but it feels like months. I miss talking to her, seeing her, just being with her. I know that I will have my bad days and my good days. This is one of my bad days.

Day at the lake

Chad, Chastity, and Alyssa swimming.

Chastity and I.
Landen on the pier.

The family spent the day at Katy parents house yesterday. It was so nice to have a great day just to hang out, playing corn hole, drinking wine, and boat rides. The girls had a great time with all the other kids and enjoying not taking a nap. It's something that we are planning on doing for the rest of the summer on Sundays.
Chastity driving the boat.

Rude Comment

Okay so to the person that left me a rude comment. Sorry that I'm not a perfect speller, not every person in the world is PERFECT. And just to let you know I do have spell check. Having a blog I believe isn't for people to criticise you. So if you don't like the way I spell then please don't read my BLOG. You could of went in a better way about it also, EZAY with your big OWRDS. I'm not really for sure who you are or even if you know what has been going on in my life but it really just wasn't a comment to leave me at this point in time. And I found two words that you spelled wrong, I could see if every word was spelled wrong. I also have change my settings so my comments have to be approved now. So if you leave me a rude comment it won't appear.

Rest in Peace Larry Edwards

I just found out less then an hour ago that Chad's uncle Larry passed away at 9:45pm last night at his residence of a heart attack. We just spent the day with him less then two weeks ago at our family reunion. That day was hard for me because I wanted to be with Alison not with Chad's family, now I'm so grateful that I went. Chastity really took on to him that day and even let him hold her. The pain of Alison isn't even gone and now I need to be STRONG for Chad. Something that I know that I can do but it's going to be hard. If you could please put are family in your prayers. This is all the information that I have at this time but once I have more I will post.

I'm a "Ship" aka "Chief"

Yesterday Alyssa and I made cookies. It was time to have a little one on one time with each of the girls. Chad and Chastity played outside in the sandbox and the slide. We try to give each of them one on one time with each of us at least once a week if not more.
Alison's friend Kimberly which now is also my friend gave each other the girls a care package. It was filled with tons of things. And one of the things that Alyssa got was cooking supplies and a way cute chief outfit. It has the apron and a little hat. She loves that she can wipe her hands all over it and it doesn't matter that it gets dirty. She calls it a "ship outfit". Thanks again Kimberly for all the nice gifts.

So are new furry friend has been making some messes around the house. She likes to eat my plants, now I see why Ali and Tom could never have any. Then on Thursday morning @ 3:45am I went into the launder room to get Chad's work clothes . That's where we put her at bed time. I didn't have my glasses on, for those of you that don't know I'm blind without my glasses or contacts. And I step on something my first thought was kitty liter. Nope I was wrong, it was glass she had knocked over the fish blow. There was no fish in it we used to have one but Alyssa killed it because she wanted to pet it one day. How I didn't cut my feet or Paisley her paws who knows. I was just glad that I found it and Alyssa didn't when she got up. We let Alyssa go and get her in in the morning. It's nice to have a little bit of Ali running around. I'm so thankful that we have Paisley even if she makes messes.

Here's Alyssa in her "Ship outfit"

In Memory of Alison

So I thought and decided that there are a few things that I can do in memory of Alison. Some of things I have already said that I would do but here's my list all put together. I love you Alison and I'm so glad that you were my sister, my best friend, and my HERO.

1. Growing my hair out and cutting it off and donating it in Alison's name.


2. Donate blood as often has I can. I'm O negative same as Alison and it's the most common blood that is needed. I used to do it all the time but haven't in a few years.


3. Become a Chemo Angel. She got so many nice things through this and it always put a smile on her face when she got things in the mail.


4. Make one of the walls pictures of her.


5. Print out her and Tom's blog so when my girls are old enough I will read it to them.


6. Using the same launder detergent and fabric softener as she did. (I started this a few weeks ago and will continue. The girls love the way the clothes smell.)


7. Having her and Tom's kitty Paisley.


8. Helping Katy with her wedding. (Things that Alison was going to help her with.)


9. Still writing on my blog. Her and Tom were the reason that I started one. They both inspired me.


10. Keeping a journal so then when I go to her grave site I can read it to her.

Happy Birthday Na-Na

Yesterday was Na- Na with the green cars birthday (Chad's Mom). That's what the girls call her because my Mom and Chad's Mom have the same car just a different color.We took her out to eat with Chad's brother Rusty and his kids. At first I didn't really wasn't to do anything or even go out of the house. I didn't feel like smiling or talking to other people. But then I could hear Alison telling me "go and have fun ". I did get somethings done around the house though. It was a mess clothes in baskets, clothes still in suitcases, and clothes that needed to be wash. I'm a very organizes person and this past week I haven't been. I wasn't in control of things that went on. At this time in my life I am so happy that I get to be a stay at home mom. It has made all of this a lot easier to deal with. My sister Heather had her first day of school yesterday and I know that she wasn't looking forward to it. Today I am going to spend the day with the girls outside and hanging out by the lake. They have also been through a lot with going here, staying there, and not getting the sleep they need. They still ask about Ali or for Ali and even for Tom. And it still is very hard to answer them I tear up. Just this morning Alyssa was drawing and she said here's a picture for Ali. I said remember Ali in Heaven with the Angels yes I know but she can see my picture that I drew for her. So I know that she is getting more and more everyday.

I added a few pictures from dinner and the one of the girls is what we gave Na-Na for her birthday. The dresses the girls are wearing is what they wore for Ali's funeral and the flowers there holding is some that we had brought home from the viewing. The house has never smelled so good with fresh flowers all over.

Butterflies

I'm the type of person that I will always remember everything. I can go back years and still know what happen what we did. Just like today I was getting ready to go and be with Alison for a few days. Every since Alison has pass I find myself looking at the clock at 7pm or close to 7pm. I have been seeing butterflies everywhere. At the funeral there was one on the truck. Then we went back to say good bye and there we tons flying around. When we got home a friend of mine Lindsay and her family had sent a card and there was butterflies on it. And then yesterday Chad and I were sitting outside and one landed by him he held his finger out and it got on then I did the same and I got to hold it also. I think that it's Alison showing me that she is still around. i still think that I can pick up the phone a press speed dial #3 and call her. Chad came up with an idea for me to get a journal and write when I went to talk to her so then when we go down I can read it to her.

I made the decision on Friday to start growing my hair out again. I was planning on starting in September but I'm starting now. I then will cut it off and donate in Alison's name once it is long enough. I'm not for sure how long it will take but it's something that I plan on doing over and over.

Good bye Ali

These past few days have been ran together. I forget what day it is at times. Now that things are over with and I have more time to think it's been harder. Tom is right when he say that you forget to eat or do things the right way.
I wanted to THANK everyone that came out and gave their support. I know that Alison would have been pleased to see all that came out. I know that there was some friends there that Alison hadn't seen in awhile. But it was great to see that she still made an impact on your life. It's crazy because I still think at times that I can pick up the phone and call her. My sister Kim order us all sister bracelets last Friday and they came in the mail Saturday morning. So we put that on her yesterday at the viewing. The song below is my song to ALISON. It's off of the Set it off Soundtrack, a movie that she really like.

Though I'm missing you(Although I'm missing you)I'll find a way to get through(I'll find a way to get through)Living without you 'Cause you were my sister, my strength, and my pride Only God may know why, still I will get by who would'v known, that youd half to go so suddenly, so fast How could it be, but a sweet memory would be all All that we have left Now that you're gone, every day I go on (I go on)But life's just not the same (life's just not the same)I'm so empty inside, and my tears I can't hide But I'll try, I'll try to face the pain(repeat 1)Oh, there was so many things That we could have shared, uh-huh And time was on our side (time was on our side)Ooh, yeah Now that you're gone, I can still feel you near So I'll smile, with every tear I cry(rpt 1)How sweet, were the losses to spare?But I'll wait for the day When I'll see you again, see you again, yeah(rpt 1)I'm missing you

Getting Alison ready

The picture to the left is one of mine, Katy, and Ali's favorite picture's.

Today, I went and got Alison ready Katy went with me for the support. I painted her nails and helped with her make-up. I went back when the hair dresser got there to help with her hair. I know that some of you might think, how could you I 'm sure it was hard for you. And yes it was but it also was to help me through this. I wanted her to be and look as much like ALI as she could. These past few days have been a blurry. There is a lot on my mind and a lot to do, but it helps keep my mind from thinking about ALI all the time. Not that I shouldn't but I know that this is the circle off life and it all must go on. Every person is here for a reason and ALI was here too help others learn to not take things for grated and she did that. We got a new member to the family today. We have ALI and TOM'S kitty Paisley. Most of you that know me well I have always said I will never have a kitty. Well guess you should never say never. It's great that we now have a little piece of ALI. And the girls just LOVE that we have her. I can hear in my head ALI telling Alyssa be EASY she doesn't like it, pet her this way.

Thank you for all the support and thoughts.

Arrangements

Calling is from 2 to 4, and from 6 to 8 PM on Friday at the Mishler-Eastlund Funeral Home at 7458 E 1000 N in Syracuse, IN. Services will be held on Saturday in Mays, IN. Alison wanted memorials to continue her fight against cancer by contributing to the American Cancer Society. I'll ask that only family provide flowers. Flowers and pictures. Please feel free to come, even if it's been awhile I know that Alison would want you all there.

Heather and I pick out a outfit and jewelry today. Katy and I have planed to go and help with getting her ready tomorrow. I hope that it will help with the pain. I can't even begin to explain that Alison has touch so many people' in so many different ways. And I think by that she made them all be a better person.

One of my hard times is when my little girls ask for Ali of they say "I miss my Ali." Alyssa gets that she is with God and the Angles. But Chastity isn't for sure yet she ask for her and I tell her she's bye-bye with the Angles. Alyssa wanted to see her so bad last night but we knew it was for the best to wait. When we left Tom and Alison tonight, I didn't tell them we were coming home I said that we were going on a drive. Because I knew if I did they both would cry the whole way home. So the closer we got to home they knew where we were going. I don't want to go to bed, that's when it's the hardest because my mind takes over. I know that in time it will get better. And I know that she is in a better place but it's still hard.

I LOVE YOU ALI

Heaven has a new angel

This day is one of the hardest days of my life. This is a day and the next few days that I will never forget. I'm so thankful that I got to be with Alison on Thursday night, and that I got to spend her last breaths with her. Alison pass away at 7pm Tuesday night, with all by her side. God has opened his arms to another angel. I love you Ali, you have touch many hearts and will NEVER be forgotten.

Sleep over

Okay, so I got to Alison's about 6 ish on Friday. The drive was great 2 hours of quiet time with no little girls was wonderful. Heather was already there and Kim got there a little after I did. Alison was awake for awhile and then needed some medicine so she was out of it for most of the night. But we did give her a bath and got her so fresh and so clean. She would wake up for a few minutes at a time and need some water. Not that it matter to any of us that she was sleeping , it was just great to have all of us four under one roof. It's been so long that we have all slept in the same room. It felt like summer camp not that I have ever been but still. You should of seen the set up that we had. Alison's room wasn't to big but we made it work with two cots and one big sleep recliner. We did a lot of talking, laughing, and taking pictures. I don't have all the picture's because we took some on Heather's camera but there a few from the night. My nieces Christine made us cookies that were so good. Thank you Christine. We shut lights out at 2am but didn't stop talking until 2:30am. Tom had went home and fell asleep by 9pm so he woke up and couldn't fall back asleep so he came in about 4:30am. He just wanted to see he's wife, which was fine we had no problem with it. I at first thought it was the nurse checking in on Alison, I'm so blind without my contacts or glasses on. We all got up and went to radiation with Alison, Kim rode over in the ambulance with her and Heather and I walk over. Well the computer was down and they had been working on it before we got there so they continued to work on it and couldn't fix it. So she didn't get radiation at all on Saturday. They had to get a new part for it flown in from Vegas and a tech would be there today to fix it. Which was disappointing because they gave her Atavin before she went so she was out of it for the rest of the day. All six of us kids were all there together on Saturday for the first time. I'm so glad that we have such a close family.

Radiation on the spine

So much has change in the past few days. When I was there you could talk to Tom once and then two hours later it could all have change. And it is the same way now. The day that I left, Alison was getting an MRI on her spine and it showed new tumor around her spine and inside of her spinal chord. So that would be the cause of her not having any balance, she's lost the feeling and motor-control of both of her legs. That started when I was there on Tuesday. The new tumor is the cause of that. We weren't for sure if she would be able to do radiation because you can't do it in the same spot twice. But it was confirmed that she can. She will be going today to get map out and mark so she can start radiation and maybe even get to do one round today. So for now her head is put on hold because the back is more of a factor now. She no longer has to be on oxygen. My sister Heather and her friend Liz came over and decorated the room with paper flowers, helium balloons, and beach-themed paraphernalia. So I have been told that the room looks really nice. I was also told that she blew her nose and blew out a clot of blood last night due to the oxygen drying out her noise. Her nose bled for a long time. They gave her a bag of platelets to make sure the nose doesn't continue to bleed which is great she was really low on them. Her catheter stopped working also. When I spoke to Tom this morning he said that they had to flush it again during the night.
I spoke to her yesterday and this morning and it's been wonderful to be able to have a conversation with her. Before she was so out of it that it was hard to talk to her. She was a lot more awake yesterday. I will be leaving today to go down there. Chastity has a doctor appointment that I have reschedule two times now so I thought I should keep it. So I can't leave until about 3pm. Chad and the girls will be staying home and I'll be going down by myself. Chad has been so great and helping out as much as he can, I have always been happy that I'm a stay at home mom but now and even more happy about it now. I can go and leave whenever I need it. My two other sisters Kim and Heather will also be there were going to have a sleep over with Alison. Were all three going to be staying the night with her. It 's going to feel like were little again I can't wait! It's the little things that mean so much to me. I think that life is taking for granted at times but that is one thing that I learned in the past two and half years not to take things for granted. I'm sure for some that is easier said then done. My family is so important to me without any of them I would not be the person that I am today.