I went had donated blood yesterday. Something that I used to do every 8 weeks, but I haven't in a long time. There were a few people donating platelets. I for one have never done it, it takes 2 hours. They take your blood and separate the platelets and then put your red blood cells back in you. I made another appointment to go back in 8 weeks to donate blood again and then after that I will start donating platelets. You can donate platelets every 3 days 26 times a year. Chad's mom took the girls and spent the evening with while and went and got this done. So my drive home I was alone and it was very quite. I lost it, I broke down something that I hadn't done since Friday. Before it turn into a panic attack I called Heather and she help clam me down. I miss Ali more then I can explain, more then I ever imagine I would. I also didn't try to think about it a lot until those last 17 days. I knew that I needed to prepare myself for the worst. I also tried to positive for her but I did have my break downs in front of her and she was okay with it. There's a lot now that I wish I would of told her but I knew that couldn't. I didn't want her to think that I wasn't thinking positive anymore. I just hope that she knows that she was and still is important to me.
Alyssa has been asking a lot of questions about Ali still. She made her a picture yesterday and ask for an envelope and a stamp. I asked her why she said so she could mail it to Ali in Heaven. She then said how will she get it will she come down and get it. I told her no they have mail man and mail lady angels up there. She then said mommy when can I go to Heaven I said when God says it's your turn. She left it at that, I was called that she didn't ask when it would be her turn because I was about to break down through all that she was asking.
Chastity talks to Ali and blows her kisses up to the sky. She still calls Paisley Auntie Ali and Tom Thumb kitty. She also has learned to do a little meow and it sounds just like a kitty.
Chad has been my stone, my heart, and my strength through all of this. He has help with anything that I need, he's been there and done it. This has made our relationship strong, and has made us look at everything in life different.
I have been feeling better every since Saturday, I had a really good talk with Chad Friday night and explain to him that I needed help from stopping myself from keeping distance from him and the girls. I also have made appointment to start Therapy again, I haven't been in almost two months. Life has to go, it has to go back to normal but what is normal these days? Will it ever be normal or the same ever again?